Empty bottle

At this moment, my son is rolling around on the carpet in his onesie - fascinated with an empty bottle.

A round cylinder of plastic with a hole on one end. He holds it up to examine it with wonder. Sticks his fingers in its mouth. Flips it again and again, marveling.

He is focused. Gaze unwavering. Lips parted in concentration.

He rolls with it. Grabs at it. Brings it close for a taste.

Minutes pass. One maybe two. Still he is enamored.  Until by fate, he catches a glimpse of himself in the nearby mirror.

On his belly he goes. Off to see his reflection. Bottle in hand, tapping the glass to signal the boy inside.

Off on the next adventure with his sword. Or maybe it's a shield. A friend.

I long to tell him it's just a bottle. A round cylinder of plastic with a hole on one end. And part of me wonders if he longs to tell me that it - all of it - is so much more.

29

Saturday is my birthday. It crept up on me this year. With so much else doing on - new baby, adjusting to being home, finding my rhythm as a mom - I almost forgot I was aging.

Almost.

The other day I looked in the mirror and saw wrinkly lines on my neck. Signs of aging.

Had a Danish. Gained 10 pounds. Immediately as a matter fact. Another sign.

Carried my 20-lb son up the stairs and had to stop for a breather at the top. (Okay, that's just a sign that I need to work out ...) But still.

"What do you want to do for your birthday?" Musa asked me more than once last month.

"I don't know. A spa day, maybe? I'm not in the mood for celebrating." 

"What does that mean?" he asked curiously in the tone that very naturally implies "you're going all wierd on me again, babe."

Alas, maybe I am. But this year has been full of so much transition. Moving pieces. Ups and downs. The emotions of being post-partum, the emotions of nursing full-time, the emotions of being emotional.

I don't feel settled. I don't feel like I'm where I want to be personally, spiritually or professionally. Most days it feels like I'm not making any progress toward any of my goals.

What's even more crazy is I'm rediscovering myself. At nearly 29! I always envisioned I would have a firm grip on who I was and what I want by now. Instead I'm surprised by myself. Daily!

So what are we celebrating, really?

I could go on and on, but just as I prepare to venture down the rabbit hole of depair, I hear that small voice whisper that amid all my unmet expectations there has been GOOD this year. My son was born in March. He is my greatest accomplishment. I transitioned to being home full-time, and I made it seven months (baby steps). I got a new car - the car of my DREAMS actually. I started working for myself. MY. SELF.

Well! There has certainly been good. 

Sometimes - more often than not - I don't see it or acknowledge it. And that's the shame of it all. But it's there. If I can just take my eyes off me for long enough. 

And while I still don't feel like confetti, I'm thankful. Another year of God's faithfulness. 

What's not to celebrate?

who's reading & what's new

at some point or another - perhaps when i started this blog over the first, second or third time - i lost the ability to see everyone who has subscribed. in short, i have no way of knowing who is following all my randomness.

sometimes it's comforting just throwing thoughts out there in the ether ... not worrying about what anyone thinks ... writing for me ...

other times it's weird. like, does any of this make sense? do people think I'm crazy? weird? 

i mean to blog so much more than i do. there is so much happening at present:

• i became a stay at home mom. i absolutely love being home with my son and witnessing all his firsts. don't get me wrong. it's not exactly the most glam job. i make baby food. i analyze poop. i nurse 24/7. i talk all day to someone who can't talk back yet. and it's mentally, physically exhausting work. but heck if it isn't the best job ever :-) 
• i started my own business. it's been a dream of mine to work for myself and i can't believe it's happening. i'm doing independent public relations consulting and i submitted my first big proposal this week. it's been hard, tedious work positioning myself the way i would a client. but it's also really fun to build something from the ground up. excited to see how it all turns out!
• lincoln started scooting: it's more like an army crawl where he pulls his body with his arms, but he definitely is mobile now. i am becoming more and more aware of how baby proofing pretty much takes over your house. 
• it suddenly became fall: seriously, it's october? YES to baking, baking and more baking! we've already checked off apple picking, but we still need to make time for pumpkin patching and skyline drive in PA to see the fall leaves.

stay tuned anonymous readers. more to come from me :-)